Salesman Closes Deal with Help From No One

[The Pickle]

A salesman from Texas-based software company AccounTeriffic is reporting he has closed a major software deal with General Gigantic all by himself, with no help from anyone, especially marketing. The deal is valued at $234,000 but could have been a lot bigger, according to salesman Steve Franklin, if certain executives and marketing people had not interfered.

Speaking from the Dallas County Jail where he is currently serving weekends for his third DUI, Mr. Franklin emphasized the importance of trust in building a relationship that results in a sell. “Sales is all about relationships,” said Mr. Franklin.

“Companies buy from people they trust. People trust me. People trust the Steve-O. Because they know me, they trust that Big Steve is going to take care of them.”

Meanwhile back in the office, rumors circulate that others are claiming at least some responsibility for the GE deal. “It was definitely a team effort,” said AccounTeriffic CEO Bart Hinsley. “I’m really excited about the way the entire company pulled together to create a win-win situation between us and General Gigantic. I’m especially appreciative of the work done by Steve and the other folks in sales and marketing for bringing GE to us in the first place.”

“That’s a load of crap,” retorted Mr. Franklin. “Marketing couldn’t find a lead with a flashlight, sonar, radar and night-vision goggles.”

“The problem is that marketing doesn’t really get it,” continued Mr. Franklin. “These guys are doing business with us because I’ve known them for years. I once worked across the street from their Cleveland office. I had a pretty good relationship with the guy that picked up cigarette butts outside the main lobby. I tried to call him to tell him I closed the deal, but I guess he doesn’t have a phone. Anyway, I’m pretty sure he mentioned me to the right people when they started looking for accounting software. That’s what drove them to the web site.

“That’s how deals get done. And that’s what marketing doesn’t get. Sales is about relationships. It’s not about trade shows or advertising. I’ve never received a good lead from marketing. It’s always the wrong person or the wrong company or the wrong something. You know what I mean? I get all my leads the old-fashioned way – relationships.

“Perfect example: General Gigantic didn’t even know anyone in our marketing department. If marketing had really played a role, don’t you think they would at least remember a name? Ask them my name. Seriously, ask them. Ask them who the guy is that sold them their accounting system. They’ll tell you it was me, not anybody in marketing. They don’t even know anyone in marketing.”

But Samantha Jones from the marketing department refutes Mr. Franklin’s claim that people at GE don’t know people in AccounTerrific’s marketing department. “I specifically remember meeting GE’s accounts receivable person at the Accounting Matters trade show. I think his name was John. Ask John if he remembers Samantha. I guarantee he remembers me. Anyway, that’s not the point. Marketing works.”

Mr. Franklin also points to other gaffes perpetrated by everyone but him to explain why the deal size was something less than the $7Gillion forecasted during last month’s pipeline meeting. “Sarah [the sales engineer] really showed her ass,” said Mr. Franklin. “She was taking the demo in the entirely wrong direction. All she cares about is product stuff. But the prospect doesn’t really care about the product – they care about the relationship. I had these guys from, ‘Hello.’”

“Sarah almost blew it with her geek-at-the-gate product demo, but I was able to bail her out with some sports talk and how-‘bout-the-weather action. At dinner she got drunk and went on and on about version 5.6.3.2a. It was really embarrassing. But, as usual, I was able to smooth things over. They really liked the fact that I am a Lexus man.”

Bart Hinsley replied (on the condition that he remains anonymous) that, “Steve is a real asshole.” He went on to confess that whatever Mr. Franklin’s role was in the closing of the GE deal, he’s disappointed because it means he can’t credibly fire him for poor performance. “I think I might be able to dig up something around sexual harassment though,” said Mr. Hinsley.

Unaware of Mr. Hinsley’s secret distaste for his every fiber, Mr. Franklin complimented his leadership in a very awkward, back-handed sort of way. “Bart is a good guy,” said Mr. Franklin. “We play golf together. But he really doesn’t understand sales. I give him a lot of credit for stepping back and letting me do my thing. It takes a big man to do that. He’s a good leader precisely because he knows when he doesn’t know anything. He certainly did not play a role in the GE deal though. If you ask him, I’m sure he’ll tell you the same thing. He was way too high-level for these monkeys. He kept talking about vision, but these guys don’t want vision; they just want to know that our relationship is going to stay intact after the sale. Sales is all about relationships.”

“We do not play golf together,” said Mr. Hinsley. “He borrowed my putter once. And he has yet to return it.”