Horoscopes

[Angry Former Employee]

Your blind ambition makes you a lightning rod for criticism. Guess what? Your critics are right. You are an asshole. Try dialing it down to “prick” for the next few days. Instead of telling the VP of marketing that you’ll have her job some day soon, tell her she looks really “smart” in that sweater. Then giggle a little. You might also offer to help her with her next board report. Just say, “My job is to hide your flagrant ineptitude so that I can see you fired on my own terms.”

Your “summertime blues” card campaign, which you thought rather clever, will offend hundreds of prospects and customers. Turns out most people are not amused by depictions of Muhammad sunbathing on a beach filled with scantily clad women. Not only is your concept theologically and culturally inaccurate, it will also be characterized as xenophobic, ethnocentric and “wicked retarded.” Not to mention that by focusing only on secular and Islamic icons, you’ve alienated the following major religions:
Major Religions of the World, ranked by number of adherents*

Christianity 2.1 billion
Hinduism 900 million
Chinese tradition religion 394 million
Buddhism 376 million
Primal-indigenous 300 million
Scientology ** 500 thousand
African traditional and diasporic 100 million
Sikhism 23 million
Juche 19 million
Spiritism 15 million
Judaism 14 million
Baha’i 7 million
Jainism 4.2 million
Shinto 4 million
Cao Dai 4 million
Zoroastrianism 2.6 million
Tenrikyo 2 million
Neo-Paganism 1 million
Unitarian-Universalism 7
Rastafarianism *** 600 thousand
*Source: pulled from my ass
**Adjusted to include people who still think Tom Cruise is not trying to take over the world
***Pass**** the dutchie*****,******
****on the left hand side*****
*****The Rastafari movement advocates the sacred use of cannabis******
******“Dutchie” does not refer to cannabis; it refers to a cooking pot and therefore, the song “Pass the Dutchie” by Musical Youth may have nothing to do with cannabis and everything to do with starving.*******
*******However, the word “dutchie” was substituted for the word “kouchie”********
********featured in the influential song “Pass the Kouchie” by The Mighty Diamonds. Kouchie is a slang term for marijuana.*********
*********I will avoid the topic of kouchie. It’s just too easy.

Your “live chick in a box” direct marketing campaign was a daring gambit for your first 30 days in office. And it would have worked, too, if it weren’t for those darn kids. And, oh yeah, live chicks don’t ship well, and most people react badly to receiving dead animals in the mail, especially when they are cute little chicks. Next time … never mind. There will be no next time. Check under your keyboard for your pink slip. You should have listened to your CEO when she said, “I just don’t see how live chicks in a box will help sell software.” But instead you said something about the “black box” or the “ghost in the machine” or something like that. Wicked retarded.

Your overuse of the word “delineate” as a synonym for “describe” or “define” will come back to haunt you when a prospect chooses your biggest competitor because “they don’t have a stick up their ass and have to use words like ‘delineate’ to prove they’re smart.”

Write your own. No one can do it as well as you anyway, right?

Jim stole your pen. But it’s because he has a crush on you. Go kick him in the shins (really, really hard) to show him that you have a crush on him too. Good luck.

A sense of your own mortality deepens with every attempt to find “Jackass” funny rather than deeply disturbing. You will find peace only when you tune in to the graceful wisdom afforded by age. Learn to live in the “now” and fully appreciate the subtle gifts of aging. Try meditation as a tool for slowing your negative internal monologue. Lean back in your chair. Take a few deep breaths. Relax. Old is cool. Old is the new young. Just kidding. Old sucks, and you can never market effectively again once you pass the age of 40. Turn over the rudder to the next generation. Go ahead and buy the farm. You’re gonna buy it one way or another very soon, so you might as well have a couple of years to enjoy your poorly grown beets.

I haven’t read your blog. I’m not going to read your blog. Quit asking me if I’ve read your blog.

Life is short. Especially yours—you’ll be dead by Tuesday. But we have a few scores to settle first. Remember when that sales guy said that marketing couldn’t find a lead with a flashlight, sonar, radar and night-vision goggles? Let’s key his car (we know he can’t afford the payments, so he really can’t afford the body work). And remember when the receptionist (I mean “office manager—whatever) said he thought he could “do” marketing? Who does he think he is? They don’t give out marketing degrees from foreign online universities (actually, they do, but whatever). His chances for the promotion won’t be so good when they find the front-desk candy dish he is so proud of loaded with Vicodin®. And finally (ah, revenge is sweet), Mr. IT. He scoffed at your inability to utilize even the most basic features of Outlook (like reading your email). The last laugh will be ours when we distribute a link to his MySpace account, which clearly infers he has other interests beyond IT.

Your propensity for risk-taking will shock even your closest colleagues when you recommend mailing the next round of postcards using first-class postage.

Remember that marketers are frequently asked to assist with tasks somewhat outside the scope of marketing (like annual company picnics, office pools and covering up the embarrassing sexual escapades of executives at holiday parties). Here are some hints to help navigate your extra holiday duties. First, the following items should not be allowed at your company’s annual picnic: egg salad, tuna salad, chicken salad—are you noticing the pattern yet? Mayonnaise doesn’t keep well. When it goes bad, people vomit uncontrollably. Second, the watermelon you’ve been soaking in Everclear since the last company picnic should not be served at this year’s picnic until the last sales guy has dragged his drunken ass home. Finally, someone is going to sleep with someone at the picnic, so have a press release prepared in advance that flatly denies any sexual misconduct in case it’s you. Horseshoes is a very sensual game. Don’t let it catch you by surprise.

Are you feelin’ me? Let’s do somethin’. Let’s make a bet. ‘Cause I—I bet I’ll have you naked by the end of this song.